Quite rightly, there has been a huge uproar amongst the Australian public, over the treatment of the young girl, the decision of the mother to bring her along, the nature of the contest and the comments made by Kyle Sandilands in response to the young girl’s admission.

The above hyperlink links to a newspaper article containing a transcript of that portion of the segment, including the response from Kyle and Jackie-O.

In my opinion, blame should be apportioned in the above order, starting with the mother. What sort of mother would sell out her own daughter in exchange for concert tickets?

Disciplinary action may be appropriate against those who approved the airing of this segment. The management of the station should have imposed clear guidelines on the sort of topics and people who who are allowed to be on this show. I would suggest that for sexual topics, contestants must be over 18, and all parties must consent.

There have been many calls for Kyle Sandliands to be sacked. I do not agree.

He and Jackie were caught by surprise by the young girl’s statment and did not know what to say. Kyle nervously made the comment ”Right. (Pause.) And is that the only experience you’ve had? “

I do think that Kyle is untalented (or rather, his sole talent is speaking in a crude and offensive way), and ask why he is in the position he is in, but that is another matter.

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His artistic contributions to pop music will withstand the passage of time. His trademark ‘moonwalk’ is widely known and imitated by many (including me), and some of his most played songs on video hit shows  include ‘Thriller’, ‘Beat It’, ‘Billy Jean’ and ‘Bad’.

He was not a living god, but a human being with imperfections. It is my opinion that media gossip about his private life was a mixture of truth and fiction, his prominence and eccentricity fuelling opportunistic individuals seeking attention and money.

Perhaps his suffering children and family may now live a more normal life, with fewer media intrusions.

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In it, you can see beautiful shots of Martin Place covered by snow, and people ice-skating in Circular Quay, with the Harbour Bridge visible in the background.

You see, climate change afficionados had slightly different expectations back then.

I am in full agreement with the first comment on the video:

“Is the pattern of the world’s weather changing?” Ha Ha. Al Gore must have been in town. This ad of course dates from the days when the coming ice age was the big climate scare. Back when silly religions used to sacrifice a goat in a futile effort to influence the weather, rather than trying to sacrifice entire economies.

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For some, Karaoke is a way for drunk people to take the piss out of songs by singing them badly. For others, it is a way of releasing their inner ambitions and displaying latent performing talent. The fact is that good karaoke will be enjoyed by all.

When I was travelling alone in the USA, I found singing Karaoke a good way of generating a good vibe and meeting people. Here are a few tips I picked up along the way:

1. Create a Short-List of Songs

Go through the song catalogue and note the songs that you like and would consider to have popular appeal. Avoid “We are the World” by USA for Africa at all costs.

2: Match Songs to Your Vocal Range

Your vocal range is the difference in pitch between the lowest note you can sing and the highest. Knowing your range will allow you to quickly work out whether you can sing a particular song.

Men’s vocal ranges are often characterised as Bass, Baritone, Tenor and Countertenor. Most men’s normal (modal) voice lies in the Baritone range. Women’s ranges are often characterised as Contalto, Mezzo-soprano and Soprano.

Most people describe the width of their range by the number of octaves they can sing in. In an octave, there are 8 notes and 12 semi-tones. Each octave is double the pitch of the octave below it and half the pitch of the one above it.

The late Freddie Mercury, leader singer of Queen, had a reported range of four octaves. Ringo Starr of the Beatles reportedly has a narrow range and the song “With a Little Help From my Friends” was written specially for him. On a bad day, I usually manage one octave, on a good day, two, and on any other day, somewhere in-between.

Test each song on your short-list by humming or singing the chorus quietly to yourself. If you can’t match the pitch, perhaps try singing one octave lower. The late Kurt Cobain of Nirvana actually did this as a joke when he performed “Smells Like Teen Spirit” on the British show Top of the Pops. I actually liked the result.

If you are only just outside the range, see if your karaoke venue has the ability to transpose the song (see point 5 below). If you’re a man and you go too high, your voice will break up and you will only be able to get it back by singing in falsetto. Save that for songs by the Bee-Gees, Tiny Tim or Alvin and the Chipmunks, and even then, proceed at your own risk.

3. Warm up your vocal cords

Take a deep breath, keeping your shoulders low. Starting from your lowest note, sing “Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Ti-Do” up the scale, until you reach the top of your range, then sing it in reverse “Do-Ti-La-So-Fa-Mi-Re-Do” down the scale.

Do it again, but this time try and sustain the sound at each note for a few seconds, singing “Aah” and “Ooh”. Ideally, the sound should be clean and consistent with no undesired wavering (vibrato). It is better to achieve a quality sound within a narrower range.

Your vocal range may vary with the weather, air temperature and time of the day. Drinking hot water or tea is supposed to loosen your voice. Strong alcoholic beverages like wine or spirit usually have the opposite effect.

4. Avoid Songs with Heavily Processed Vocals

People who know your song will be comparing your singing to that on the official recording. Unless you know what you are trying to achieve, avoid songs where the singer’s vocals have undergone heavy processing and audio effects. Examples:

• Chorus effects: Queen - ”I want it all”
• Auto-tune/Vocoder: Cher “Believe”, Madonna’s “Hung Up”, most recent Kylie Minogue songs
• Reverb & Digital delay: Most Enya songs

5. Cheat By Transposing the Key of the Song

Often, we can sing most of a song except for hitting a few high notes. One such example is the chorus from the 1961 number 1 American hit ‘Runaway’ by Del Shannon, which has a whole octave jump after the first phrase - ”And I wonder – I wah-wah-wah-wah-wonder…why – wah-wah-wah-wah-why, why she ran away”.

Some Karaoke places can program their machine to (tranpose) the key of the song by a few semitones in either direction. There are twelve semi-tones in an octave. The great majority of people do NOT have perfect pitch and will not notice at all.

Disclaimer: I am not a trained musician, singer or musicologist. Please keep any criticism constructive.

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The Australian Department of Defence thinks so!

A short while ago, I logged into my gmail account and noticed a banner ad that really caught my eye

“DSD Tech Security Jobs – www.dsd.gov.au – Malicous IFRAMEs? Heap overflows? You’ll love what we do.”

The Australian Defence Signals Directorate (the equivalent of the American National Security Agency), who are a division of the Department of Defence, is recruiting experts to work in Cyber Operations.

The following is quoted from their FAQ:

I’m not sure what level I should apply for, what should I do?

If this is the case, you should apply for all three levels.  If you are a successful applicant you will be offered an APS Position (APS 4-6) commensurate with your performance during the selection process.  If you only wish to apply for a specific level, you must clearly state this on your application form.  

The current salary ranges are:

APS 4 – $52 009 – $57 094
APS 5 – $58 009 – $62 135
APS 6 – $63 550 – $72 595

These rates will increase by 3.1% on Christmas day (2008).  Superannuation is in addition to this!

We will be holding assessment centres in Canberra during the week of 8 September. The 2 day process will involve an individual technical assessment and interview, some group based exercises, some paperwork and an interview with our friendly psychologists. Don’t stress too much.

What other benefits are there in working for DSD?

• Generous superannuation (15.4%)
• Free gym
• Free parking
• Opportunities to salary package
• Flexible working conditions
• Generous study provisions and developmental opportunities.

OK, I was a bit too hasty – there is free parking, as we all know about the terrible shortage they have in Canberra. The gym is also good – when you’re bored of Canberra life, you can vent your frustration by pumping iron. Oh yes, and the job is secure.

But seriously, it troubles me that the sort of people are prepared to work for peanuts are going to be on the front lines of our country’s cyber defence. I know a number of programmers in Sydney who get over $90,000 (plus super) for far more trivial activities.

Furthermore, when I think of true security experts, I think of reformed hackers, like Kevin Mitnick and Kevin Poulsen. Would they pass a security clearance?

Of course, there may be a reason for the low pay. Perhaps our country is not really under threat, and the job consists of merely watching packet dumps scrolling down a monitor or playing network computer games? I really don’t know – it’s all classified.

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An enterprising fellow by the name of Armin Heinrich, capitalised on conspicious consumption centred around Apple’s much-hyped iPhone, released last month.

He created an iPhone application named “I Am Rich”, whose sole function is to display a computer-generated image of a glowing red ruby, as a status symbol in order to flaunt the wealth of the owner.

Apparently, 8 people purchased this application, for the listed price of $999.99, before it was removed by Apple, following a complaint from a purchaser who claimed he accidentally clicked on the buy button.

The LA Times has a fantastic article, with pictures of the Apple store advertisement and an application screenshot.

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My favourite supermarket brand is Twinings. Usually, I buy tea in tea bags, but I discovered that loose leaf tea is far better value for money. The other day at my local Woolworths supermarket, I found a large pack of loose leaf Lady Grey for less than half the price of a much smaller pack of teabags.

The traditional problem with loose leaf is that it is hard to make a single individual cup – people usually make a whole pot, which is messy and requires a lot of paraphernalia.

I have solved this problem for myself with the aid of a split-sphere mesh tea infuser (the top utensil in the image below).

When you want to make a cup, you squeeze the handle, scoop up some loose-leaf tea into the bottom sphere, and then release the handle to close the spheres.

You then put the tea-filled infuser in an empty cup or mug, and pour in some freshly boiled water. You can optionally add sugar, and then stir it using using the handle of the infuser, saving the need for a separate spoon.

Once you’ve brewed the tea to the desired strength, you can remove the infuser from the cup.

To clean the infuser, hold it over a waste container and squeeze the handle. You may need to gently knock the handle against the side of the container. The bulk of the used loose-leaf tea should fall out in a ball-like mass. Rinse the infuser under a tap to remove any remaining tea leaves.

After many uses, tea residue may build up and discolour the mesh. I found that I could return the infuser to mint condition by standing it in a glass of dilute laundry bleach for a few minutes, then rinsing it under a tap.

I purchased my infuser from the local gourmet tea store T2 for just under $4. They can also be purchased from most tea shops and online.

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I dislike it for the following reasons:

1. The repetitive accompaniment consisting of maybe four notes tops
2. It would somehow sneak into playlists at parties and get a crowd into a retarded synchronised frenzy
3. The song’s lyrics teach women that cheating on your boyfriend is a cool and fun thing to do
4. The outfits of the women in the video
5. Having the two old guys (who wrote the song) in the video was clearly an afterthought
6. The fact that after this was a hit, they came back for a second money grab with the “Christmas Joy mix” that replaced the English portion with snippets of Christmas Carols.

For those of you who dislike this song as much as me, I bring you “F*** the Macarena” by MC Rage, courtesy of Youtube. It’s hardcore techno (gabba) and apparently was a hit in the Netherlands. Good on ‘em.

WARNING: Profanity – use headphones if at work

Oh, and if you really need to be reminded of the original:

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